Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
