can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
