i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
