i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
