I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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