His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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