Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
