I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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