Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
