he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
