You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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