I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
