Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
