I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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