I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
