Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
