I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My life is pants optional.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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