There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
