I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he was CRYING into my vagina
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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