who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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