He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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