Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I need moral support for this bender
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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