You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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