i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
