oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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