Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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