he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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