My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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