if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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