Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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