i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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