My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
