"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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