Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
