I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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