We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
