it wasn't lemon gatorade
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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