Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
