Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
