Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
