she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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