I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My ass is underappreciated
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
