And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?