Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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