good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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