yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
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I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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