My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just had sex bonerless
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
