Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Less talking, more tequila
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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