Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Found your dick twin last night
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
