I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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