I have demons in me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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