I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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