Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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