nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We're too hungover to prance.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
