so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
